Do you Believe These Common Myths About Singleness? (Part 1)

The first book on singleness I ever read was "7 Myths About Singleness" by Sam Allberry. I was in seminary and had already been having conversations with fellow single friends about single life, so someone suggested I pick up this book. I was honestly blown away by how validating it was. Allberry put words to experiences and thoughts I was having but didn't quite have the language for. It was also super encouraging that he was, and is,

single. He is an author writing into this space of singleness with honesty from his own experience and also hope because of who God is in all this. In case you haven't had the joy of reading this book, I wanted to give a fly over view of what myths are discussed and how each of Allberry's responses to them have impacted me in my singleness journey. Hopefully you walk away feeling more validated and hopeful and also encouraged to read the book for yourself! So, here's part 1 of 2, the first four myths:

Myth #1: Singleness is Too Hard

This is the myth that, in my experience, seems most widespread. Imagining living a life of singleness usually conjures up thoughts of deep loneliness, sadness, maybe a bunch of cats and someone who is maybe just a little weird. If you look to popular music, movies and shows, singleness is something that is joked about and not taken seriously as a fulfilling life path at best, and a path to hopelessness at worst. And what Sam Allberry really gets to here is that if you are a Christian single, that means living a life of celibacy. This can feel like a bit of a record scratch in society today because sexual experiences tend to be tied to the ultimate intimacy and connection with another person. So, if you are living a single life with no romantic partner AND living a faithful life of celibacy, how could you even survive the loneliness and loss of connection of this life?? Singleness can be seen as simply too hard to even contemplate. And if this is what biblical singleness meant, I would agree! But luckily, the Bible has a much fuller and fulfilling view of singleness.

Allberry reminds us that singleness hasn't always been thought of in these ways. In Matthew 19, people are actually arguing with Jesus that marriage is too hard because of the singular commitment you have to make to another person and so it would be better to be single(become a eunuch, which is the language used int he passage)! In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul discusses how marriage can make things more complex when it comes to faith, mission and relationship with God because your affections are divided between your spouse and God. Singleness actually allows faith and focus to be more straightforward than marriage. Again, rebalancing the scales that both singleness and marriage both have their "hard". Allberry also points out that Jesus Himself was single (and celibate) as He lived His life here on earth. It doesn't make sense that Jesus would call us to a lonely, disconnected singleness if that was not the life He lived as a single. Jesus had a depth of connection and love with thsoe around them that didn't require sexual experiences or romantic relationships. He was fulfilled and satisfied and had a life of love with His disciples. Reading Jesus's prayer in John 17 before He goes to the cross gives us a glimpse of this love. There is so much more detail that Allberry gives, but the overall point is this: Singleness is hard, yes, but no harder than marriage if you are doing it right. Both are hard in their own ways and each relationship status should be weighed with proper respect and reverence. Both are also so beautiful and should not be made out to be less fulfilling than they are.

Myth #2: Singleness Requires a Special Calling

I actually wrote about this early on in my blog so I won't spend too much time on it here (read the full post on this topic here), but I loved the way Allberry put a name to these kinds of conversations! When I would talk to people and tell them I was single, and especially how long I have been single for, there would be these comments about how they would be praying extra for me or immediately asking if I was "called" to singleness. As if singleness is a calling like being a pastor or a school teacher and I needed specific Holy Spirit power to live out this calling. And on one hand, yes, I do need the loving Spirit of God to be with me and walk with me throguh my singleness to have life to the full. On the other hand, when someone tells me they're married, I don't say "oh did you feel called to marriage?" and tell them how I'll be praying extra for them for this trying time in life. I think this assumption that singleness is a special calling can flow out of the myth above, that its such a hard thing in life that God must call only special people to this special task. But singleness is not a calling like a pastor or a teacher, it's a gift according to Paul. A gift given by God for the goodness of that person, just like marriage.

Myth #3: Singleness Means No Intimacy

This myth also flows a bit out of the first because in our culture, intimacy has been collapsed into being primar sexual, so again, if you are a single Christian you are living a

Friendships that make me feel very seen and known and loved :)

celibate life. So to some this could mean no intimacy. And while sometimes overlapping, the Bible doesn't see intimacy as only happening in a sexual way. Intimacy can be found in many other relationships, most often overlooked is intimacy in friendship. I think there has been a start of a trend to try and rekindle this intimacy. We watch things like Friends, Ted Lasso or Shrinking and wish we had intimacy and closeness like those friends do. The Bible describes friendships and family relationships (both biological and chosen Christian family) as so deep and rich that it defies the categories we have. When Johnathan dies, David writes a song for his best friend and says "I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; greatly beloved were you to me; your love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women" (2 Samuel 1:26). Our modern eyes read this and can assume a sexually intimate relationship. But there's no evidence for this biblically or contextually. God truly does have such an expansive and rich view of relationships, so, singleness does not mean a lack of intimacy. I think of the CS Lewis quote here when we want to collapse all intimacy into only sexual relationships:

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

Deep, rich friendships and therefore fulfilling, satisfying singleness is possible. Don't settle for less or bee "too easily pleased" by settling for the categories of our society :)

Myth #4: Singleness Means No Family

The last myth we'll talk about today is that singleness means no family. And this is the myth that Allberry discusses that lead to one of the most impactful Bible verses in my singleness. Allberry writes that the thought of long-term or lifelong singleness can seem devastating to those who long for a biological family of their own, the spouse, the kids and the generations that follow from your family line. And that is not a bad desire to have at all, it is so beautiful and the world needs more loving, healthy families. But again, the Bible encourages us to expand our categories. Broadening our view for who are our family, children and loved ones. Some verses Alberry points to are these:

Jesus redefining family:

“Who are my mother and my brothers?” he asked.

Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.” (Mark 3:33-35)

True family being defined and created by God:

"The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children,

then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." (Romans 8:16-17)

Some of my goofy brothers and sisters (not biological) in the family of Jesus. We love the Renaissance Faire! :)

Children being spiritual children like Timothy is to Paul, Paul calls Timothy a son multiple times throughout the New Testament.

"For this reason I have sent to you Timothy, my son whom I love, who is faithful in the Lord. He will remind you of my way of life in Christ Jesus, which agrees with what I teach everywhere in every church." (1 Corinthians 4:17, italics mine)

And lastly, the verse that greatly impacted my own singleness that you have probably seen many times throughout this blog:

“Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life." (Mark 10:29-30, italics mine)

And there are so many other beautiful details Allberry goes into for this myth about hospitality, creating family, the depth of relationships we have in the Church. I just cannot do it justice here and I highly encourage you to read it. But these ideas at least invite us into knowing that God does not overlook our desires, he knows we all long for family and connection and to be fully known and loved. That can happen in many ways in the power of God because God is searching for and creating that as well.

So, what myths have you been tempted to buy into? Which ones feel like reality to you? How might God be trying to expand your view and categories of singleness, family and friendship? Stay tuned for part 2 coming soon! :)