The "High Calling" of Singleness?

There's this interesting thing that happens when I say I am single and have been for a while. Some people make comments or ask questions along the lines of "oh, do you feel called to singleness?" or talk about singleness as if it is this super high calling bestowed by God on unfortunate souls on some rigorous path of holiness (maybe I exaggerate a little, but you get my point). And yes, there is something unique to a season or lifetime of singleness and many challenges to overcome that can only be faithfully overcome by the power of the Holy Spirit. But what gets me is that marriage is not also thought of in this way by comparison. When someone says they have been married for 20 years the questions doesn't usually follow "Oh, so have you felt called to marriage then?". No, we usually say congratulations and move on haha. Marriage seems to be framed as the more desirable/easy path or the one that singles must be striving for as they are agonizing in their singleness. As if marriage is a refuge of relief from singleness or a solution to singleness.

And on one hand I can't blame these well-meaning individuals for thinking this way. I mean, through the history of time marriage has been the trajectory of everyone's lives lest they be destitute (like women in ancient times who could not own land or earn money) or

Just a couple of spinsters

labeled a dreaded "spinster" who live on the peripheries of society in some second-class existence (I looked up the equivalent for a male and its "bachelor". So much more neutral than the connotations with "spinster"! lol). Marriage can be seen as the "solution" to a pregnancy between to unmarried lovers. Marriage is the fairytale ending to any happy and whole life (plug any Disney or typical romance movie). And the church in some spaces has unfortunately picked up this cultural feature as well, making marriage the ultimate trajectory of the Christian's walk and sanctification. "Once you are married you are a truly mature Christian" seems to be an implication in some environments. And of course I am generalizing, but I can bet other singles feel this as well even if it is not directly said.

Don't hear me wrong, I am not against marriage at all. I am not some raging single who wants to tear down the concept of marriage. It is beautiful and a supernatural picture of sacrificial love and a gift of grace from God. But as much as it is not something below singleness, it is also not something above singleness in the eyes of God. This extra high "calling" that is so separate from the regular paths of sanctification. In 1 Corinthians 7:7 Paul tells us that both marriage and singleness are a gift from God. No distinction, no qualification. Both are gifts. Both are also high callings. You need just as much Holy Spirit to be married as you do to be single (my married friends have told me so! haha).

So why is this a big deal? Well, as a single, when I am in conversation (usually with a married person but also with other singles!) and my singleness comes up and these comments are made about the difficulty of singleness with the underlying assumption of the refuge of marriage, an extra weight of "otherness" is added onto my shoulders as well as a discounting of the beauty of what God is doing in my life. Feeling like my singleness is a cause for differentiation instead of walking together in this life with our own unique joys and struggles, regardless of our relationship status. Are the practical struggles of marriage and singleness different? Yes. But, again, we both need help and strength from the Holy Spirit to help us walk in what God has called us to. And again, if singleness is a gift from God, then there is something in this season for me that God is teaching me or growing me in. I don't want that diminished or made harder by the constant, automatic assumption that this is actually a curse or an extra difficult path I am walking. Is it hard? Yeah! So, what I really need is an acknowledgement that we are in this together, you see my singleness not in comparison to a marriage, but in light of what God is doing.

There's a beautiful quote that I have on the home page of this blog that says:

“If marriage was designed to show off Christ’s love and devotion to the church, then singleness was designed to show off the church’s love and devotion to Christ.”

-Brooks Waldron

I believe this echoes beautifully the picture we see in Paul's analogy for the Church and the body, with all its parts as they should be:

¹⁸ But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. ¹⁹ If they were all one part, where would the body be? ²⁰ As it is, there are many parts, but one body. (1 Corinthians 12:18-20)

I believe this includes the life stages of singleness, marriage dating, etc. All of what we do comes through those lenses, some more prominently than others. Do you see what I am getting at here? Instead of us automatically assuming singleness (especially long-term singleness) puts people in a "harder" spiritual category, let's realign our thoughts to Paul's encouragement above in 1 Cor 7 and 12. Recognizing the uniqueness of everyone in front of us, no matter what their relationship status and not unnecessarily "othering" singles. The Church Family will be made up of so many beautiful stories and journey's, let's create an inviting space for all of them and see what God is speaking through all of them.