The Transition Out of Singleness

First, no, this is not an announcement of my own transition out of singleness ;). This blog has some reflections from a conversation I had with a friend a few weeks ago. Sorry there's not more tea to share lol.

So, a few weeks ago I was having lunch with a friend and they were telling me about their new relationship. It had only been about a couple months and they were in that stage of feeling out the new life dynamic now that another person was added to it. We talked about how time and priorities change, how some things need to be put on pause or

Dress shopping for my sister's wedding. Is wearing this bad luck? ;) haha

stopped altogether in order to make honest and intentional time for this new person in your life. The one thing that felt most difficult for them, though, was the emotional and mental transition of being in a new relationship.

So, for a little context. This friend has had a few relationships over the years and even though there was time in between each one, it was usually a short time before the next romantic relationship started up. So there were times of singleness, but they were short lived. Within the last year, my friend said that they sensed God encouraging and inviting them to allow for a longer time of singleness. To allow this person to fully detach from romantic relationships and just be. Not to be pursuing or putting time and energy into seeking out or fostering a new romantic relationship. And with some fear and hesitation, this friend faithfully followed God into a longer time of singleness.

Fast forward to the beginning of this year, my friend had gotten to the point of finding grounding and healthy rhythms in singleness. Having time for work, socializing AND rest. Discovering time with God and conversations with God that might not have been there otherwise. They actually started to enjoy singleness, which surprised them more than anything! Not to say it wasn't without the times of loneliness or worry about a future partner, but on a deeper level they knew they were ok. they didn't have to be anchored to a romantic relationship to be ok. Such a beautiful place to get to.

So now enters in a new relationship. And in our conversation about the shift in time and priorities, my friend acknowledged that its hard to transition mentally and emotionally to having someone there. They mentioned that it was feeling a bit unnerving to be "seen" so often, when for the last year they were the only ones aware of all their behaviors and moods. Now there's this other person there seeing a lot of how my friend operates. Also,

the transition to talking to someone more, sharing more, being in the presence of someone more often was starting to feel overwhelming. My friend was sharing this and expressing how this made them sad and even though they liked their partner, wondered if this meant that the relationship should end. I mean, should it really be this hard??

A favorite little cafe in La Jolla I like to come to to study and work on the blog. So cozy and communal!

And on one hand, sure, maybe this person is just rubbing them the wrong way or their personalities didn't mesh and so it could be wise to end the relationship. But something else came to mind as well as they were sharing all this. Like I described above, this friend had been single and got to the point of being grounded and relatively content with singleness. And in singleness, it is just you. Your brain space is taken up by daily things yes, but you really only have to attend to yourself. If you want to be alone, you can. If you need a break from people you can do that fairly easily. Their free time and times of rest were more in the realm of peaceful silence and solitude. My friend's nervous system was used to the stillness of singleness they had created. And this is a beautiful thing!

So acknowledging this it became clearer that maybe it wasn't the relationship that was the problem, but just the natural feelings of transitioning from singleness into a relationship where there is more mental and emotional stimulation from another person. That is a real adjustment for our minds and bodies. Maybe you have felt this if you went from living alone to having a few roommates. Once this was named my friend felt more at ease and was able to consider what this meant for singleness and dating. Here were some of our takeaways:

1. It's normal to notice a bit of a transition period as your get into a new relationship. Take the time to separate this from who the person is.

2. If you find a contentment in singleness, you will be able to be more grounded and make better choices when dating. Instead of rushing into a relationship to escape singleness, you are more able to make a wise choice because singleness is not seen as something bad.

3. Our bodies will communicate to us about our experiences, instead of shoving away that feeling, listen to it and bring it to God. Being curious about our feelings and thoughts allows us to be more honest with ourselves, each other and God.

4. It is ok to grieve leaving singleness! If you found the beauty and contentment in singleness that is available to all of us with God, it is natural that you will miss that time when you start a new relationship. This doesn't mean you don't like the person you are dating or a relationship is a bad idea, it's just a natural response to a loss. I would actually say you've probably gotten to a healthy point if you actually do grieve and miss singleness when getting into a relationship :)

   
   

   

   San Diego soccer games with my single peeps is one of my favorite things :)

This was a really fun conversation with my friend and loved being able to explore and be there for them in this life transition. What are your takeaways from this experience? Have you felt any of these things yourself? How are you feeling in your singleness? Is it something you are learning to enjoy or something you are trying to escape? Leave your comments below! :)