With a Little Help From My Friends

A couple years ago I had my first major sickness while living on my own. I was feeling stuffy and run down, so I took a test to be sure and sure enough I had Covid. Now, for my job as an online therapist I don't have to do manual labor or be around coworkers in person, so I have a little bit more flexibility with sicknesses and time off. At a previous in person job any positive test of Covid meant 10 days away from work with the option to do online work if

needed. But with online work I can take off a few hours, a whole day if needed, I can work in PJs with a blanket on my lap as long as from my shoulders up I look professional haha. So I thought I would be good, a little tired maybe but I could still take care of myself...right? Wrong lol. This time I was not in a position to work, I had so much fatigue and brain fog I could barely think about how to do daily tasks in order, let alone walk with someone through complex trauma and anxiety. So, I cleared my schedule for a few days to allow myself time to rest and feel out how long the intensity of these symptoms would last.

One of the views I loved at my old apartment

Now, why am I telling you about having Covid two years ago? Well, at that time I was living with my sister, but she works as a teacher which means she's gone most of the day. So as I was sick I had to fend for myself. And I wasn't prepared to be sick, so I needed basic things like medicine, soups, tissues, etc. And although in the moment this was inconvenient because everyone else was working too and I had to door dash my necessities, it wasn't the practicals of the situation that bothered me. No, what hit me in that moment as I'm walking to the back of my apartment building in sweats and slippers to pick up my order Doordash from the guy who couldn't find my apartment, was that I was on my own. I had to take care of myself and care for myself as I was sick. This may seem like an obvious reality, but in that moment I felt alone and that strong urge to be cared for. Anyone else know what I'm talking about? Maybe you've felt this too. I think at some point as we grow up we all have these moments.

This created a new train of thought in my brain as a single. Who is going to take care of me when I really need it? What do I do if my friends are all working and unable to help me out? How do I create a community who understands these needs as a single and can meet me in those moments? If I'm honest, part of me was really frustrated that on top of being sick I also had to, with my brain fog, text and reach out to various people to see who was available when, plan times for people to come by and vocalize all these needs. It felt like so much work and I wished that people would just already know what I needed and come knocking on my door.

Fast forward to this past week. I had a surgery done on my heart called an ablation (yes it went well and I am all good :)) and I felt like when I got off the phone with the surgeon and the surgery date was set, that same feeling from a few years ago crept in. And now I actually live alone, so my sister isn't here daily to be with me. Who can take care of me this time? I felt the loneliness and strong urge to be cared for and for someone to tell me the plan for taking care of me. But no, I had to think about that week and change my own work schedule, plan times to clean my apartment and food prep and I had to take that step of actually asking people to show up for me. Again that bit of that same frustration came up, but something else as well.

Just one of the many thoughtful texts with unexpected offers of kindness. and remembering my pescatarian diet ;)

That moment of being sick a couple years ago made me start more intentionally working

that muscle of asking for what I needed from people. That urge for people to "just know" what I need and provide that on one hand makes sense, it's great when my needs get met because someone was very thoughtful and considerate of my situation. At the same time that can't be my assumption and expectation for everyone because no one is a mind reader.

Even my closest friends and family don't always know what I want or need in a moment. Even a spouse who you have lived with for however many years may still need you to voice directly what you're needing. I realized that if I didn't do this, I would be consistently frustrated and disappointed in those around me for no reason. I knew that I couldn't be upset with people when they didn't even know what I was expecting haha.

So, in that moment along with the familiar frustration of the extra effort I had to put in to get the care and support I needed, I also felt acceptance. Acceptance that this is actually just part of being an adult, not just being a single. Because I've realized that this isn't just a singleness thing, like I mentioned above, even your spouse or partner may not get it right and they definitely can't read your mind, so that same frustration can come up for those in a relationship as well. This just comes with the territory of relationships and that's ok.

Just a FEW of the people who helped take care of me the last couple weeks. So grateful :)

Over the years I definitely haven't been perfect at this and I still take on that "strong friend" persona, which then leads people to believe that I don't need as much care and attention as I would like. But I'm working on it and growing in my need for dependence. And because of that, within a few days of scheduling my surgery and reaching out to people and letting people know, I had a handful of people asking when to come visit me. Someone to take me to the surgery and pray for me. My sister took a whole day off work in the middle of the week to bring me home and stay with me. One friend offered to bring me a breakfast burrito at the hospital. Another person asked what day they can drop by a home cooked

meal. And so many others offering prayers and well wishes. All of this may not have happened the way movies or books show it where somehow everyone you know knows exactly when to come, what you need and have all these grand gestures to show you are taken care of. But the care came because I was open and actually gave people the opportunity to show up for me. Give people the opportunity to surprise you. Practice asking for what you need and instead of begrudgingly doing everything on your own, allow yourself the chance to get by with a little help from your friends :)