Surprising Words to Describe Singleness

If you are reading this and you are currently single I want you to reflect with me for a moment. Think about your experience being single so far. The experiences you've had. The friendships, possible relationships. Thinking about your sense of connection and community as well as the potential lack of connection and community you may feel. Now, if you had to choose some words to describe this experience, what would they be? Frustrating? Lonely? Content? Exciting? Free? Boring? Lacking? Don't be afraid to be honest about it, that's the only way we can actually deal with what's happening in our lives right now.

Singleness has allowed me the time and flexibuility for travel. This trip I would also describe as meaningful, tiring, adventurous but also left me so content. Highclere Park, Hampshire, England.

For me currently I'd use the words meaningful, tiring, content and adventurous to describe my singleness experience. From the reading and studying I've done on the topic of singleness biblically, I've found so much meaning to it, especially with the privilege of creating this blog for you all :). It's also allowed me to find deeper meaning in the experience of singleness, wholeness and friendship without the constant of dating (the

rhythm of my life previously, relying on romantic relationships to fill me instead of genuine friendships). It can also be tiring because I find myself having to constantly be on top of making plans with others and following through, otherwise it feels like my social life loses some momentum and I end up feeling lonely. Despite that part of the experience there is still a deeper sense of contentment. Contentment that I am where I need to be right now and not itching to get out of singleness. This contentment is also not a complete barring and rejection of romantic relationships, but it gives me the ability to hold that possibility with an open hand instead of anxiously seeking it. If a relationship happens, great, if not, I know I will still be ok. And lastly, its been an adventure haha. Discovering new ways of connecting with God, having the time and freedom to go on actual adventures around my city and around the world, and also an adventure of discovery of myself. I have had a lot of time to get to know myself and make creative and new changes in my life that help me flourish the way God made me. So safe to say, my singleness journey comes with a mix of experiences! And if we are all being honest, any relational status comes with a mix as well :)

So, whatever words you might use to describe your experience, I want to invite you to consider two other words: "a gift" and "good". These are two words that the apostle Paul uses explicitly to define the single life in 1 Corinthians 7. What do you think about those two words? Unexpected? Do you feel resistance to them? Confusion? Maybe you are thinking "how on earth is singleness supposed to be a gift?!". And I wonder how often you've been able to honestly say your singleness is good, as opposed to awful, difficult, or simply not good. I believe that as a single, for however long you are single, our wholeness in this experience depends on us embracing singleness with these words. Whatever other words we may use, like the words I used above, they are completely valid and worthy to be acknowledged AND also need to be brought to the vision the Bible gives us for singleness. Let's explore this a little deeper.

Two Truths From 1 Corinthians 7

Singleness is a Gift

I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

1 Corinthians 7:7

Paul here is talking to the Corinthian church about some concerns they had with singleness and marriage. In this verse he says that in his own heart and mind he wishes everyone was as he is aka single! But then he also acknowledges that each person is given their own gift of relational status from God. Marriage is a gift and singleness is a gift. We know that gifts from God are for the benefit and edification/sanctification of whom they are given. Paul is providing us a reframe of how we may be thinking about singleness. In true reality, with the mind of Christ, either relationship status, married or single, is a gift from God. And to be clear, there is not the “gift of singleness” as if it’s a special spiritual gift or

something, neither is there the “gift of marriage” as if that’s a fruit of the spirit. Sometimes this language can be used as a way to emphasize the difficulty of singleness as if we need an extra Holy Spirit gift in order to bear it, but we don't think of marriage in the same way. Paul here is levelling the playing field acknowledging are both a gift and both come with beauty and difficulty. So, God gives us the gift of marriage or singleness for a purpose. I like the way writer and pastor Matt Hodges puts it:

One of the gifts within the gift of singleness is being able to teach on it and share my experiences with others. Check out the "Resources" section of the blog to listen to any of my teachings :)

“The gift of singleness is not a spiritual gift or a unique ability to bear the weight of the single life. It’s a blessing given by God for his glory and the joy of the one to whom it’s given.”

-Matt Hodges

A main takeaway from this is that singleness is not a punishment from God, it's not a dismissal of God, it does not mean God has forgotten you. It's actually something for your good and for the good of others. If it's a gift, it is something to be enjoyed. So, if you are single now or if someone shares with you that they are single, we can share in this mindset with Paul that singleness is not some separate or intensive calling unlike marriage, it's actually a gift right on par with marriage in its weight and purpose– God’s glory and our joy. It is a gift that is meant to benefit the one who receives it and be a way that God's glory is illuminated.

Singleness is Good

“Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.” 1 Corinthians 7:8

Considering the view of singleness as a gift above, it is not a far stretch to then acknowledge that singleness is good. Paul continues the assertion of the benefit of singleness by stating this is is not only a reality of his own life, but a “good” reality overall. In the verses that follow there's really no clarification, Paul just says it would be good for the widows or unmarried to stay single. Period. Singles, again, I wonder if you’ve ever thought of your singleness as “good”? Maybe neutrally, maybe as a frustration, maybe you hate it haha, but Paul here calls it “good”. I think a huge takeaway from this is that singleness, whether long or shorter term, actually has so much value to it. In it, you are not forgotten by God, you are not overlooked, you are not sidelined. It is a “gift” from God and “good”, for your good, according to Paul.

And in these next few verses we hear one of the reasons why there is so much goodness and why it’s a gift from God:

“What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”

(1 Cor 7:29, 31-35)

Paul here zooms way out, looking at the reality of the time we live in. Since Jesus has now ascended into heaven and we are in the last phase of God’s rescue plan, waiting for Him to return, Paul says that time is short until Jesus comes back and things are restored once and for all. As Jesus said early in His ministry “the kingdom of God is at hand” (Matthew 3:2). It's here! It's started! The in-breaking of God’s kingdom into the evil and sin and darkness of this world is happening. People are being healed, lives changed, joy unleashed, salvation for all, everything that history has been culminating to is here. And sometime soon (if you've seen The Chosen you know that "soon" means a lot of different things haha) Jesus will come back to complete the work He started.

And Paul tells us as marrieds and singles that this should change our perspective and priorities in this life. In light of Jesus coming back there is work to be done and worship to be had. And Paul wants to make sure that this is the highest priority in our life as a follower of Jesus. So Paul helps the people he is writing to to understand the impact of relationships on this calling. He acknowledges the reality that those who are married have divided attentions, you have to! This is not a bad thing in and of itself. Your spouse needs love and

Friends, single and married, coming together to celebrate another friends marriage. We're all in this together!

attention, but the reality is that you are one finite being and only have limited capacities of time, focus and energy. So, with a spouse, some of the energy and focus that you previously gave to God will now be shared with your spouse. And Paul is not diminishing the beauty of this overall, Paul talks about that beautiful dynamic of love in a marriage in Ephesians 5. But the reality is that compared to singleness you have less capacity to fully give yourself to God int he way you do when you are single. As a single you have more flexibility, time and ability to be more singularly focused on the things of God than if you are married.

I remember talking to a close friend years back when she was dating her now husband. We had become friends because she was one of the leaders who prayed often for me in YA, and I would often come to her with my Jesus questions and we would talk faith all the time. She was telling me that now that she was dating she didn’t have the same time to devote to pondering the things of God, walking with Him in the mornings (literally walking) and being with Him. She said she started to miss God and grieve the ways she knew her relationship with God would change, even though she was so excited to be with her partner. What a beautiful tension to recognize. And I hope this is a place we all get to if we are entering into a romantic relationship or marriage. I hope your life with Jesus is so sweet and personal and you know Him so well that you actually miss Him when another person takes up more of your time. A marriage definitely helps you live out the love of Jesus in a new way and spouses are meant to draw each other to their Ultimate love, but it will be different than a single person who has leaned into Jesus in their singleness, a genuine relationship with Jesus is beautiful and fulfilling if you let it be.

TLDR; Singleness Has Value

So with that, Paul here does not consider singleness an abnormality that needs to be fixed or changed because it is bad for you. It is not categorized as any more or less a “calling” than marriage, but rather a gift from God just like marriage is a gift. Paul here invites us to lift our eyes to the greater reality that we live in, the reality of the beautiful mission of love and restoration in this world that Jesus set in motion and we as His children get to partner in. According to Paul this is something that should excite and enliven us so that our whole lives are centered around it. As a single, you get to engage with your whole

life, fighting back evil by doing good (Romans 12:21). And because the single life uniquely allows you to be more singularly focused on these things, God can use you in amazing ways. He has not forgotten you, your singleness is not a punishment, its a gift that allows you a unique opportunity to show the world what love looks like. Singleness is not below marriage in the way it shows the world the Good News, it is equal with it in value. Through this truth Paul affirms is that singleness is good and valuable. As one writer and counselor puts it:

“If marriage was designed to show off Christ’s love and devotion to the church, then singleness was designed to show off the church’s love and devotion to Christ.”

-Brooks Waldron

Whatever else you may think or feel about your singleness, never neglect the realities that it is a gift from God and that it truly is good.