Singleness and Loneliness are Not Synonyms

Recently in a work chat, a thread popped up from one of the other therapists asking for some advice and interventions for helping a client through dating issues. A handful of

people gave some practical thoughts and resources, but one stuck out to me. A therapist said they used some thoughts and ideas from the book "How Not to Die Alone" by Logan Ury. This book, according to the Washington Post, is a “must-read funny and practical guide to help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams." The author is a Harvard educated behavioral-scientist-turned-dating-coach, sharing her wisdom and research on behavior patters in dating. There are a lot of things to draw your attention here, but for me its the title and the assumptions behind it.

Now, I am not critiquing the actual science or use of the information in the book (some of it could be very helpful!), but the assumption that if you don't find the "relationship of your dreams" that you are "alone" makes me really sad! The assumption that somehow there could be nothing worse than to "die alone". Why do we automatically assume that if we don't have a romantic partner that means we are alone?

Maybe this has been your experience. Maybe without a romantic partner you have been alone or felt much more alone and you feel like the only solution is to find a romantic partner to banish that loneliness. And I think that's a narrative in society, like a math problem: singleness=loneliness SO singleness+romantic partner=happiness (and no loneliness). But I think this is a very narrow and honestly stressful narrative to live by. It makes us think that ultimate fulfillment, being seen, being known and deeply loved is actually only possible in a romantic relationship. So we can desperately seek out these relationships as our cure, our fix, our connection, our salvation from loneliness. But I wonder if there is more to the story?

And then comes the next assumption that if singleness=loneliness, then if you are in a romantic relationship and/or marriage you will stop feeling lonely. If you are in a relationship you should never feel lonely because you have your person, right? But I bet I could talk to any person in a long-term relationship and they would say that loneliness still creeps in. And this could even be a harder kind of loneliness because you are with someone who is supposed to know you deeply and yet you still feel lonely at times in the relationship.

So, I think it is safe to say that loneliness is not a uniquely "single" thing. It's a human thing. And I think it is deeply unhelpful (and untrue!) for us who are single to assume that we are consigned to loneliness until we find someone, that we cannot be known or deeply loved unless in a relationship, or that we are forgotten or our life truly hasn't started until we are in a relationship. But hear me, loneliness is not the automatic destiny of the single. And how do I know this? Let's look at one of the most beautiful prayers of Jesus, a prayer He prayed for those who would believe in Him through the good news the disciples would share:

“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21 that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— 23 I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

24 “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.

25 “Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. 26 I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”  (John 17: 20-26, bold mine)

This is so beautiful. And notice who Jesus is talking about here. Not married people, not long-term partners, but to all of us who believe in the good news of Jesus and His

Some of the family I've gained along the way :)

kingdom. There is a supernatural unity, belonging and connection that we have access to through His Church that is beyond our wildest dreams. And NOT ONLY supernaturally with Jesus and the father and the Spirit, but with each other! Notice how humans are included in the prayer of unity. This is the heart of God for ALL of His children. We have this ancient prayer guiding us and we have the Holy Spirit guiding us to help us participate in this as well when we are with other believers. This doesn't happen by us all sitting individually on our couches but by being family to one another. Allowing God to bring us together and create connections between people that we didn't think were possible. Another one of my favorite passages of Jesus's words that talk about the connection and belonging we have in His Church is in Mark 10:

²⁹ “Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel ³⁰ will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life.

(Mark 10:29-30, bold mine)

Did you catch that? Jesus says "in this present age" those of us who have surrendered our lives to Jesus can have "homes, brothers, sisters, mothers", etc. and a "hundred times" as much as we had before! How is this possible? The Church. God's multiethnic, multigenerational, multicultural Church Family He is building. A place where all can come and find rest and belonging and healing and true salvation.

So, don't let the world tell you that singleness is a failure, a waste or is a sentence to loneliness and dying alone. That couldn't be further from the truth in Jesus and His Family. As singles we have a responsibility to see this reality and lean into it, connect with your faith family, ask for connections, let people know about your loneliness so they can love on you. And Church Family, we have a responsibility to own these prayers from Jesus. Inviting singles and the isolated and the lonely into our homes, life rhythms, activities, etc. And if we do that, we are living examples of hope and love for everyone who desires Family.

Reflection Questions:

What has your experience with loneliness been as a single? As a married person?

Have you heard or seen the narrative of singleness=loneliness around you?

What have been some ways you have found connections in friendships?

What is one practical step you can take to step out of the singleness=loneliness narrative and step into the promises of Jesus today?