Let's Talk About FOMO

Living in a city like San Diego is amazing. There are so many things to do on a weekly, if not daily, basis. And not just doing the same fun activities each time, but so many NEW things to always try as well. If you commit to trying a new restaurant or coffee shop everyday, it would probably take you a couple years to get through. You also have the

Seneca. 14 floors up and some of the best Italian food with a view.

option to go hiking, go to the beach, play on a rec league sports teams, go to the zoo or Sea World. It honestly blows my mind how much there is to do in such a compact space! I guess that's why there's not much parking around here haha.

This is also such a contrast from my hometown. Where I'm from is definitely a classic suburban area and while it is definitely growing (there was a Trader Joe's recently built and that was a huge deal!) it still very much has a small hometown feel. It's not uncommon to go to the grocery store, gas station, or any coffee shop and see someone you know. And because it's more suburban, there aren't as many attractions and events as in a city like San Diego. It's a big deal if there's a farmers market, a concert or a rodeo going on (yes, there are rodeos where I'm from in Socal haha). What this means is that whenever one of these things is happening, the assumption is that this is where everyone will be. These bigger events don't happen frequently, and there's not 12 big events happening on the same night, so people want to take advantage when they do happen, especially adventurous and active people like my friend group and me.

Having this built-in structure of going to the same events, I realized, was something that really helped to build depth of community. The consistency was huge. Instead of everyone going to the event or attraction that they wanted that night, you either chose to do the one big event together or stay home. As opposed to living in San Diego where you could do something different each weekend and never have to see the same people twice if you didn't want to. And although that can be such an exciting way to live, it seems like there's also a disconnection and loneliness that can creep in if we aren't careful.

When I first moved to San Diego I wanted to do all the things. Beach, zoo, rooftop movies, new restaurants, etc. I loved, and still love, exploring this city I live in. But after a while I also started to really notice that it was hard to get people to do these things with you. The same natural built-in consistency from home wasn't there, it had to be an intentional choice each time. All of the options also meant that people were often doing separate things throughout the week. I had friends who were either more set into the music scene of San Diego, had other established friendships or just different interests from me. So, although I was excited to explore, I also felt disconnected from those initial friends in a way. For a while I couldn't figure out why. It wasn't because they were mean or exclusive, but San Diego was just different. I came to realize there are many different lives you could live in San Diego and, again, if you didn't want to see the same person twice you wouldn't have to. So, because I wanted to live my life with friends, especially as a single person, I knew I needed to be intentional about what I did and who I consistently spent time with. I had to adapt to this city's way of building community.

Rooftop Cinema Club. Movies on the roof!

I am now trying to be better at consistency in my life, not always trying to chase the shiny new things of the city if it means sacrificing time and connection with friends. Curbing the FOMO (fear of missing out) is key. This means I have to say "no" to things that I might want to do in order to pour into friendships. This means saying "yes" to things that maybe weren't my first choice, but the value of deepening a friendship is higher than having a new experience. As an example, as the holidays are approaching I know that this is a time where busyness ramps up with so many good things, so I wanted to plan for moments of intentional time with friends. I planned a night for friends to come over and help put up my tree and eat dinner together. Simple, slow, cozy. After a few days I started seeing fun events popping up on that same night that I would have loved to go to. I could have changed the time of people coming over so I could do both. I could have canceled/rescheduled the time I planned so I could make sure not to miss out on that event I wanted to go to. But what would that cost me? Sure I would have the fun memories of that event, but it would be at the expense of deeper more meaningful time with friends.

I believe this is an opportunity for all of us singles. No matter where you live. Take stock of the social choices you are making or not making that are helping to grow your community and depth of connection. Are you chasing all the shiny things of where you live yet your relationships are staying at a more surface level because there hasn't been deep investment? Are you always searching for different and new experiences, always meeting different and new people, while more long-term relationships are missing you? Is your FOMO making it hard to be consistent with people? What would it look like for you to be more consistent in what you do? Going to the same beach, the same Saturday farmer's market, the same coffee shop, more regularly? :) And I am not saying this is always an either/or decision. If you have found friends that also love the different and new and do that with you, that's amazing! Or if you have set plans and then want to change those plans for something else and those same people come with you, great. All I am saying is that we want to beware of the trap of FOMO of the things around us that leads to a neglect of our regular friendships. The promises of the depth of friendships and community in the Bible are real and possible, take ownership of those promises and trust that intentionally and prayerfully pouring into friendships consistently is worth it. You might be surprised at the belonging and connection that's right in front of you.

Friends from back home and new friends in San Diego at an SD Wave game :)