One Foot In, One Foot Out

I've learned that I have a difficult time with waiting for the next big thing to happen. I first realized this when I was working after graduating from my social work program in 2018. I was a new therapist, earning my hours towards my license and learning new things each day. But something in me felt restless. Like I needed more, or I needed a change or something. In my weekly 1:1 supervision with my supervisor, I brought this up. As I look back now she started to become a bit more of my own therapist than a clinical supervisor, but I'm so thankful for that. She validated what I was feeling and named the reality that for basically my whole life so far I've been working towards the next goal, which has typically been the

Whenever I have an upcoming trip, I have to fight that "one foot in, one foot out" feeling at work! This is from Maui, HI, 2021.

next project, paper or degree. They've all come with end points and times where they were complete every few months. So I had gotten into the rhythm of finishing a thing within 3 months or so and then on to the next. But now, she explained, I am working a typical 9-5 and although I am earning my hours and working towards licensure, that would be about 3 years from now. The finish line is further out, so the rhythm I am used to is different now. This blew my mind haha.

Since then, I have tried to be aware of this. Because what I would usually do to combat this restless feeling would be to take on a new project or task on top of everything else, to try and create that sense of "working towards something", but this would be tiring and feed my internal narrative of "I'm not doing enough". So, instead, now I try to be as present as possible in life right now. I don't want to miss out on what's happening right in front of me because my mind is already focused on "the next thing". I learned this lesson even more deeply in seminary. Seminary was another of those longer goals, it would take me 3 full years to finish (turned out it was 3 years and 1 extra semester I was not expecting haha). And at first I would often think of what I would do after seminary, after I had the degree and knowledge and experience of seminary, what would God do with that?? But as seminary went on and I got to know my classmates more and read more deeply about the things of God, I started to realize I had no idea where I would be after seminary. Who knows the kind of person I would be, what I would discover about myself, what God would grow me in and where that would lead.

As much as seminary was about learning the biblical narrative, theology about humanity, hermeneutics of reading apocalyptic literature, etc. it was about learning who I am in God. And not in a self-absorbed way like seminary was only about my own self-

From my Western Seminary graduation weekend in Portland, OR last year. So grateful for this experience!

discovery, but as I got to know more about who God is, I learned more about what it meant to be His child. What it means to be in God's family. What it means to be on mission with God in this world. What true flourishing as a human truly is. All of this was effecting me in those moments but would also have ripple effects for the future.

And I would have missed all of that if I was solely focused on the future. If I held tightly onto my preplanned goal for what direction my life should go after seminary, I wouldn't be open to what God was shifting and changing in me in the process. I think that sometimes we can do this to ourselves. We have a plan in our mind and we tell ourselves "this is how things should go" and anything that feels like it deters us from this feels scary and so we resist it. But what if that leads us to resisting God? For example, maybe you have your heart and life plan set on being a doctor. You know the school path, the residency you hope to get and what hospital you hope to land at in the end. But then, maybe at church or a conversation with a friend, you start to uncover this passion for missionary work. You realize conversations about missionary work excites you and you love conversations and watching videos about it. But, because this doesn't "fit" the plan you have for your life, you start to shut that down and ignore that passion. But what if what you are ignoring is God waking up a part of your soul that makes you more fully alive?

If we aren't careful, we can do this in singleness too. This one foot in, one foot out thing. Knowing that you are single now but mainly focusing on that future of being married with the white picket fence, the dog and 2.5 kids. So singleness now is more of that slog of loneliness or difficulty that isn't quite fitting the plan you have, but once you are married, then your life will begin. And as I have said many times, marriage in and of itself, is not a bad thing. It is a beautiful gift given to us humans by God. But what if because you are focusing on marriage and that future, you are missing out on the beautiful life God has for you now? The adventures, the growth, the friendships, the maturity, maybe even the experiences you'll need that prepare you for marriage. You could be trading happiness and peace now because you are so anxiously holding onto that future hope.

Enjoy the beauty now and be excited for where your path leads. Unico Resort, Riviera Maya, Mexico, 2025.

So, what do we do? I am not saying to go the opposite direction and swear off marriage in order to be more present to your singleness. Anything in the extreme is going to be unhelpful and untrue. What I am saying is to hold your future, your dreams, your desires, with an open hand. Trust that God already knows these things about you and is working in your life. You may see some of these dreams realized, they may look different, the timing could be different, some may not happen, but when we surrender to the process and trust God in the here and now, you won't be living your life half-alive. Jesus tell us He came so we may have "life, and that they may have it more abundantly"(John 10:10). Don't live your singleness one foot in and one foot out. Be fully present to it and see what God will do :).