Myths About Singleness: Ministry, Sexuality and Ease (Part 2)

Welcome back for Part 2 of this exploration of "The 7 Myths About Singleness". If you didn't read the first post with the first four myths, I would encourage you to do so by clicking here. This book has been so formative in my journey and theology with biblical singleness. There are so many narratives and thoughts that other people and our culture give us about singleness that can be very discouraging and make singleness seem like a life consigned to utter despair and loneliness. Luckily, the Bible has a very different view of singleness and what comes with it. I am so grateful for the author, Sam Allberry, for dispelling the myths and highlighting the biblical truths and hope about singleness. So here we go! The last three myths about singleness and what the Bible actually says.

Myth #5: Singleness Hinders Ministry

This myth, Allberry explains, comes moreso from within the church than without and fueled by the saying and popular belief: "If you want to go fast go alone.. If you want to go far, go together". A witty saying and one that is good to promote teamwork, but actually doesn't quite fit with what the Bible says about marriage and ministry. This is good news for singles who may have felt left out of or forgotten when it comes to ministry involvement! When looking at a couple main points from the letters of Paul in the New Testament, we can see that Paul didn't see singleness as a limitation for ministry. However, some may point to passages like 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 that talk about leaders being "the husband of one wife" and conclude that only married people are allowed to be pastors or in some kind of leadership at the church*. However, as Allberry explains, when we take into account the context and culture of the time, Paul is calling people in ministry to be faithful spouses IF they are married, not that they have to be married. This is more of a descriptive than a prescriptive statement. Other good and godly people may land on different conclusions here and that's ok! At this point in my life with God and study of the Bible, I agree with Allberry.

Grateful to the friends and leaders who give me a voice and allow me to engage in ministry as a single

Secondly, Allberry points again to the classic text of 1 Corinthians 7 and highlights how Paul actually says singleness is an advantage in ministry! Paul acknowledges that in marriage a spouse's devotions are divided between God and their spouse, which is ok! In singleness, however, the single person is able to be more singularly focused on life and ministry with

God in a way that a married person cannot. Paul here is not bashing marriage, but just highlighting the reality of these relationships.

Lastly, another main point Allberry makes that was encouraging to me is acknowledging that single people can pastor and counsel anyone, including marrieds. Some people can assume that if you are single you can't speak into marriage, but that's not the view of the Bible. Allberry goes into more detail about this, but thinking big picture, Paul himself was single and wrote the passages that we tend look to for marriage like Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 13! Also, Jesus was single and gives everyone the words to life whether married, single, dating, divorced, etc. Pastors and people in leadership at the church don't have to have the exact experience of every person they pastor in order to be effective, the main focus is helping all people in all circumstances love God more and look more like Jesus. Anyone can do that, single or married.

Myth #6: Singleness Wastes Your Sexuality

This myth was one that I learned the most from. When I read this book I wasn't thinking about this aspect of singleness in this way so it intrigued me. And when I did read it I was so encouraged. This chapter is worth the price of the book alone! As you can image, in the conversation of sexuality and what we are to do with it biblically, is such a nuanced conversation so I won't be able to capture all of Allberry's words and points to the fullest here. But here is the basic flow of thought that he leads you through in this book.

It's first important to understand what our sexuality is actually for because that then informs how we think about it within singleness and celibacy. And as with most things that we are trying to understand at a foundational level, we look to Genesis. From studying Genesis we learn that man and woman are made in the image of God Himself (Genesis 1:27), a coequal but different pair that when they come together they have the ability to create life (we see this pattern of different but complimentary pairs all throughout the creation narrative in night/day, land/sea, etc. humans follow this pattern). This is the same thing that happens when God's space and His presence comes together with our space, life in every sense of the word is brought forth. In the Garden of Eden there was no separation between the human's space and God's space and life flourished abundantly. But as you may know, a separation of these spaces happened when sin entered the world and God has

A friends wedding that was beautiful and felt like holy ground

been/is working to bring those spaces back together again, to rescue us from the darkness we let in.

And when we look to the end of the Bible in Revelation, we see the ultimate

ending of our story as once again human space and God's space coming together in a beautiful garden city (Revelation 21:1-3). So, all that to say, sex and our sexuality is meant to be a beacon to the intimate coming together of God's space and our space, the picture of the closeness God desires with His creation. This picture happens only between a man and woman, a complementary pair, in a committed marriage and any use of our sexual desires outside this pattern distorts this cosmic picture it is meant to represent. Which is why, then, biblical singleness comes with celibacy, unless there is the safe union of marriage, sex is not something that leads us to more abundant life.

All of this is so much more weighty and holy and beautiful than our societal narratives tells us. And in the grand picture of Jesus and the church, Jesus Himself is described as the groom and we as the Church are the Bride. Therefore, marriage is not just about the two people committing to each other for life, marriage is the union that ultimately points to Jesus coming back for His Bride, the Church. It's a picture of the Gospel. We see this in multiple passages like in Ephesians 5 and Revelation 19 and this gets played out over and over again every time a Christian couple, man and wife, get married. So, sex and our sexuality is more than just self-expression, more than just "play for adults", and more than a primal desire that we must satisfy to be happy. It has a purpose and a connection to a story that is much greater than us and when it is misused and diminished, it causes fractures and pain for those involved**.

So, the obvious question is then if single people can't get married isn't all this glory of sexuality wasted?? No. Living a single celibate life is actually a preview of coming attractions. Singles live a life now that is more like what our life in the New Heavens and New Earth will be like in terms of marriage. Jesus tells us in Matthew 22 that marriage is something that will not exist in eternity. Marriage is the beautiful, holy and necessary image now of Jesus and His bride, but once Jesus comes back and is once and for all reunited with his bride, the sign of marriage is no longer needed, it has done its job. So, in eternal life with Jesus we will be fully and completely satisfied emotionally, mentally and spiritually through connection with Jesus and with others, the connection and love that we all long for. This is such good news! So, singles right now have the honor and privilege of being the preview of coming attractions. Doing our best to live a life of connection and satisfaction with God and community in this life.

A couple of my favorite quotes on this in this book are:

“If marriage shows us the shape of the gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency.” (Sam Alberry)

"Whether we are married or single in this life, sexual desire is our inbuilt homing instinct for the Divine, a kind of Navigation aid showing us the way home. You could think of it as a form of body language: our bodies talk to us about a greater reality of fulfillment and eternal blessing, and urge us to go there." (Glynn Harrison)

Myth #7: Singleness is Easy

The last Myth here on the other end of the spectrum is that singleness is easy. We started with "singleness is too hard" but want to make sure we don't swing the other way and assume singleness is a walk in the park. This myth is naming the reality that sometimes we can slip into seeing singleness as a way to simply just do what we want and not do the hard but rewarding work of being in genuine community with others. It can feel easier to keep people at arms length and have relationships that are more surface level or self-serving, but God actually calls us to a deeper and more connected life that, if we are honest, we actually want.

Allberry helps name some of the more difficult realities of singleness, not that these make singleness harder than marriage, they are just aspects of singleness to be aware of so that you can seek God for guidance, empowerment and grace to handle them well. We want to go into both marriage and singleness with eyes wide open. The main aspect that makes singleness hard is the loneliness that is common to come with it. Especially if you are a single who has a lot of married friends. Allberry helps point out the reality that these friendships can be a bit asymmetrical at times because: we as the single friends are usually the ones that initiate connection, singles are the ones that usually go visit and the reality that singles need their married friends more than marrieds need the single friends. That last reality got me. Naming the reality that those with spouses have less need for other friends names a pain point I have with singleness. I have such a greater felt need for connection because I don't have that built in person with me 24/7. I have to work at connection and establish rhytms with people who can commit to me. This isn't a selfish thing on the aprt of the single, but a reality to be aware of.

Because singleness can be hard, especially in a city like San Diego, I created a singles hangout group to make finding community a little easier :) This was one of our hangouts at a rooftop movie!

So, like I said, we want to be in singleness with our eyes wide open for as long as we are in this season whether its 1 year, 10 years or a lifetime. The good news that Allberry ends with is that no matter where we are at relationally, God's grace meets us there. God will always give us what we need to walk through whatever life throws at us and we have access to a love and a power that literally rose Jesus from the dead. This is one of the prayers Allberry ends with and I'll end with as well:

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way." (Ephesians 1:18-22)

Thanks for coming on this journey through the 7 Myths about singleness. I highly encourage you to pick up this book and see what sticks with you! And if any questions, frustrations or ideas come to mind from it, bring that to your community! Let people into this singleness journey you are walking, it's what the church was made to do, walk with people through every season of this life :)

*There is SO MUCH detail and research that goes into exploring biblical texts and their meaning in context. Scholars research these things for most of their careers and can still land on different conclusions. Good and Godly people can disagree on these things and still be family. If you want to explore more of this yourself in regards to singles/marrieds in leadership I encourage you to start with reading Sam Allberry's book. For more on women in leadership I encoruage you to read "Tell Her Story" by Nijay Gupta, "From Genesis to Junia" by Preston Sprinkle and if you really want to wrap your head around the deeper theology and study of it "Two Views on Women in Ministry" by four different authors(2 complementarian and 2 more egalitarian)

**For more in depth learning on this topic I suggest starting with a couple of the podcast sermons I have in the Resources section of this blog on sex and sexuality.