"Guys and Girls Can't Be Friends"

This is a phrase I have heard throughout my whole life. Maybe you have too. The assumption seems to be that guys and girls cannot be friends because it will take some inevitable turns: one person starts to have romantic feelings, the other person doesn't so the friendship has to end OR the friends date, it ends horribly or its too awkward and then they never talk again OR that after a time of a guy and girl being friends they will end up dating and getting married. Either way, a sustained friendship with the opposite sex just cannot happen because it will end in hurt feelings or the inevitable start of a romantic relationship.

And like many little sayings in society, there is some truth to it. In my own life I have experienced this and have seen friends go through these scenarios. I've seen long time

The surprise engagement of two friends who were just friends for 10+ years until friendship turned into marriage :)

friends start to go into the territory of flirting (a shock to us all lol) and then before you know it are dating and married within a couple years. One day it just "clicks". I've also seen a friendship between a guy and girl where one or the other clearly has feelings, so the friendship, at least on one side, is sustained by the hope that it turns into something more. Then when it doesn't, the friendship fades or the person moves on to another friendship in hopes that that one will turn romantic. I've seen friends try to date, realize it isn't going to work and just not be able to be friends again, usually leading to one person needing to find a new friend group, which then effects the relationship with the group as a whole. Personally, I've been in situations where I thought I had a great guy friend, but it turns out that once true feelings are revealed and I set boundaries (the good ol' friend zone) then the friendship fades and I lose a great connection.

I could go on with different ways I've seen these things play out, which could lead to the simple conclusion that maybe it is true that guys and girls can't just simply be friends. BUT, also with many of the sayings we have in our society, it doesn't capture the whole picture. These boxes or categories or pseudo truths we create to understand relationships can be narrow and not give us a way to think beyond them. I have also seen this in my life. Years back I dated a friend in my friend group for a bit, it didn't work out and was awkward for a bit, but now they are actually one of my closest friends and I've been able to see them enter into new romantic relationships and it is completely normal. I currently have a handful of guy friends who are both single or in a relationship and (as far as I know) the friendships are simply that, friendships. No hidden motivations or subtle manipulations towards a romantic connection. It's refreshing honestly.

And this variation of relationships between men and women is also more in line with how the Bible views the reality of relationships. When we become a follower of Jesus we become part of God's family and are therefore referred to as "brothers and sisters". This

A friend who I consider a brother. So thankful for his presence in my life!

phrasing is actually used over 100 times to refer to those in the church in the New Testament. We can see specific examples of these various relationships between Priscilla and Aquilla with Apollos, Paul naming all of his female friends/colleagues in Romans 16, Jesus's interaction with Mary when he visits their home, and knowing about the women that traveled with Jesus and the twelve disciples. These relationships show us the connections and relationships that men and women had within the family of God. Did marriages happen? Of course. Were there mixed signals and hurt romantic feelings? I'm sure. But the point is that's not all there was between men and women. And I think when we think in this narrow category that "guys and girls can't be friends" we actually miss out on a lot of the beauty that God has intended for His family and the depth of friendship.

There's even biblical scholars who tell us that wholeness in the family of God actually depends on male-female relationships and not just within marriage. In Genesis 1 the first image-bearing humans were created. One was created out of the rib of the other showing that they were of the same substance, there was unity even from creation between male and female. And there was celebration and wholeness of beauty when the man and woman came together not primarily because it was a marriage but because it was a male and female together who embodied the glory of God as one unit. Male and female, guy and girl, together, reflecting to the world the full image of God.

Zoo trip with single friends on Valentine's Day

So yes, the "it is not good for man to be alone" at this time lead to a marriage union between the male and female humans, but that's not the only way for this male-female dynamic to reflect the glory of God because not everyone will marry in this lifetime. The Family of God does this, then, by creating the spiritual space for men and women to come together first as loved children of God, loving each other well and valuing the person in front of them, male or female, not because of their potential to be a spouse, but simply because they are our valued, cherished family.

So, to finish, I want to give some thoughts on how this "guys and girls can't be friends" idea works itself out practically along with how I think the biblical vision of friendship and family expands that for fuller flourishing in friendships:

When we think...

"Guys and girls can't be friends"	"What is God's vision for male-female friendships?"
Makes us hesitant to have friends of the opposite sex due to fear	Men and women actually function best when in relationship with other men and women. More comfortability with male-female friendships.
Can make us limit our friendships to only those of the same sex, missing out on so much.	There is value in surrounding yourself with Spirit-filled men and women. Each are given different ways of viewing and processing the world. We are meant to share this with each other.
Can make us see the opposite sex in only romantic terms (would they be a good spouse or not?).	Women and men are children of God first, not judged on their ability to be a spouse. God can bring a deep friendship into your life with the opposite sex for many reasons beyond romance.
Can make us see the opposite sex in only suspicious terms (aka "I can't be friends with a woman because I might be tempted" or "being close friends with a guy might upset my husband").	Obviously boundaries matter, be wise in this. But don't start from the assumption of suspicion or that the opposite sex cannot be trusted. Build a culture within your heart and with your social circle that values and respects women and men first as children of God.
Can perpetuate loneliness and disconnection overall due to limiting who you think could or should be your friend.	In God's family we are all Brothers and Sisters, all on God's mission of restoration together. We are all, men and women, meant to strengthen and encourage each other.

These are some bigger, overarching thoughts and as you can probably see, there are many offshoots and other ways to apply these thoughts. I encourage you to do this! Think about how this may apply to your life and your current relationships. As you do this, here are some verses to consider in terms of male and female friendships. Invite the Spirit into your reflections and prayers and see how He might be inviting you to more whole friendships:

19 Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household, 20 built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21 In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22 And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit. (Ephesians 2:19-22)

12 Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. 13 For we were all baptized by[c] one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. 14 Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many. (1 Cor 12:12-14)

32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. (1 Cor 7:32-35, italics mine)

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35)

A group of single friends on a Friday night. No wierdness, just fun :)