To be a Healthy Single, Do I Have to be ok With Being Completely Alone?

A couple weeks ago, I was gifted a ticket to a play here in San Diego by a friend who had moved out of the area. She had completely forgotten about it but didn't want it to go to waste, so I then ended up with plans that Tuesday to go see The Sound of Music! I had never seen the play before, only the movie, so I was excited to see a childhood movie really

come to life. One thing that made me nervous though, was that it was only one ticket. And it was just a few days before, so there weren't any tickets left for me to get so someone else could come with me. This would be a proper solo date with myself.

On one hand, this wouldn't be the first time I've gone somewhere by myself. Being single and living on my own and also having an adventurous spirit means that in a city like San Diego I've learned to be ok doing things on my own. I've gone to markets, shopping, coffee shops, parks and lots of walks on my own, so this wouldn't be new. But on the other hand, this was like a level up of a solo date haha. I still haven't really gone to the level of like going to a restaurant or the movies by myself, those really feel like communal spaces that I would feel weird being by myself. And this play felt like it was on that level.

The play was in downtown which isn't far from me, but it's a mission to get there and to navigate the wonky streets of downtown San Diego (like who created those?? lol). I would have to go through a lot of effort to find the parking (luckily the friend who gave me the ticket also bought parking ahead of time hallelujah!), walk to a place I have never been before and then go into the theater on my own and figure out what to do until the play started. All this to say, this was a level up from my usual solo outings and I was feeling a bit nervous.

Whenever I go anywhere solo I try to treat it like I am travelling. Exploring a new place and open to new experiences and meeting new people at any moment. I also remind myself that I am allowed to be here on my own, there's no law that says everything must be done with someone, and that I am also not the only person doing this. I ground myself in the truth

Found myself a cool little view while I waited for the doors to open

that I belong and that I am doing nothing wrong, just on a little adventure. So, with all that in mind, I walk into the theater, I get some snacks before the show and find a table to wait at until the doors open to find our seats. It was a bit encouraging to also see a few other women at tables on their own, treating themselves to a glass of wine or charcuterie pack. That took some pressure off of me being the only solo person there. Once I found a little table, I settled into the experience. I made it and I was going to enjoy it, dang it! haha. And the rest of the night I did! I laughed and cried and clapped throughout the show and felt so much nostalgia seeing this story and hearing these songs that I hadn't heard in at least 10 years. I left feeling inspired, content and proud of myself.

As I've reflected on this experience I've wrestled with the idea of the balance between solo activities and activities done together. Is one better than the other? Should the balance tip one way or the other more often? As a therapist I've had clients come to me and say "I need to learn how to be ok just being by myself". Some of them I believe really do need some help managing the anxiety about being alone and needing a constant person by their side to do anything. That kind of attachment can hinder functioning and growth because of the anxiety and lack of self-empowerment that tends to come with it. Other clients, however will come with that same desire, to be ok being alone, but behind it there's this idea that a human is at their healthiest when they don't need anyone. The belief that it's not ok to need or depend on a person so people need to detach themselves from that need. Those are the clients that give me pause and I spend a little bit more time exploring with them where this idea came from.

Here's why it gives me pause and I'm more hesitant to make that a therapy goal. We as humans are literally hard wired for connection. Time and time again studies and experiments show that we do so much worse alone than together. Connection can help us overcome addiction, connection is so needed it's chosen over food, its literally a pillar of our mental and physical health, etc. I mean, when we think of prisons and forms of punishment, solitary confinement is a punishment of prolonged disconnection that often leads to other mental and emotional issues. Humans do not thrive when they are alone.

And of course, whenever we want to understand the basics of what it means to be human, we can go to the first pages of the Bible with Adam and Eve. God made a singular human, Adam, and he had the presence of God, animals to spend time with and I assume

Cue "making my way downtown..." as I walk to the theater haha

be entertained by, a job of creativity and purpose, and yet God still said "it is not good for man to be alone"(Genesis 2:18). Even God Himself is one God made up of three persons, Father, Son and Holy Spirit (hard to wrap our brain around but that's what the Bible says haha). God Himself is a communal Being. From all of eternity, God has been in a three person, loving relationship. Jesus says about God the Father "...you loved me before the creation of the world" (John 17:24).

We as humans are made in the image of this God. We embody the character and qualities of God. So, if God has never been alone, He has always been in a loving community, it makes sense why we start to whither as humans when we are alone or in harmful relationships too long. I believe this is why so much of what's written in the Bible is about how we treat each other in the Church. God knows we flourish as humans when we are in relationships with people that are loving, safe, encouraging and trustworthy. We are to protect that and work towards that everyday of our lives until Jesus comes back.

What does that mean, then, for my solo date to The Sound of Music? Was it fun? Yes. Am I glad I did it? Yes. Am I going to make this a more regular pattern in my life? Probably not. And not because I couldn't handle it, not because I don't know how to be independent, not because I was too anxious and need a support person. I believe that my efforts and energy in singleness are much better used when being put towards building a community of friends to do life with. Yes, I have done work and have had to wrestle with God about my times that I am alone and I have grown more comfortable with that, but I know it's not the ideal. As you can see and have probably experienced, this journey of singleness comes with a lot of tension, same as times of dating, marriage, etc.

My encouragement to you from all of this is that it's ok to continue to want and to work towards connection a a single. You don't have to get to the place of being ok being completely alone for days on end in order to be considered "healthy" or "doing singleness right". It's ok to name loneliness, it's ok to ask people for more intentional connection time, it's ok to want to set up regular rhythms in your daily and weekly life for connection. You were made for it :) And in those times where you are alone, take God with you. Be open to how He interacts with you, speaks to you, gives you ideas, encourages connection and brings creativity into the mundane. Keep leaning into connection and being real about your needs. One step at a time you'll get closer and closer to the connections you are desiring because God desires that for you too :)