The Pressure of Timelines

When I was growing up my friends and I would play silly little games about planning and predicting what our future life would look like. Some of you might remember the game "MASH"? Which stood for "Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House." and through a series of various squiggles, lines and a lot of counting, your life plan was set. By the end of the game you figured out what kind of job you were going to have, who you were going to marry, whether you were going to live in a mansion, shack, apartment or house AND by what age all of this would come to fruition. As a kid in elementary school, who had no idea what the complexities of life actually entailed, this felt so fun! And I remember that my friends and I assumed that having a husband, 2 kids, a house and a set career was totally possible within the age range of 23-30. All of us 10-year-olds felt pretty confident this is how life went for everyone who wanted it.

Flashbacks anyone?

Now, these were fun and innocent little games to pass the time and honestly just talk about our crushes in our classes haha. But I think things like this at a young age along with movies and TV shows have really ingrained in us that timelines of life matter. That if by a certain age if you don't have all the goals and dreams you planned for then you are falling behind or failing at life. Think about it. That episode in Friends where Rachel turns 30 and freaks out. Literally crying at grandma jokes and realizing things weren't the way she thought they should be at that age. And everyone else who had turned 30 thought back to their own freak out at turning 30. And don't get me wrong, reflecting on life and where you're at with your goals is not a bad thing in and of itself, but when it's solely attached to an arbitrary age, there's extra unnecessary pressure and guilt that gets piled on. Or think of the women in Disney movies. Ages aren't always explicitly stated, but it seems like women are barely in their late teen years before they go on the grand adventure, find the prince and become the perfect homemaker/philanthropist.

For me, the age was 27. Again, I have no idea how this age became THE age of complete satisfaction and accomplishment in life, but that's what it was. That's the age I was supposed to have already been married, maybe had a kid and had figured out my career path successfully. As I started getting closer and closer to that age and I started experiencing more life, I realized that I wasn't going to make it. This existential anxiety set in and I was worried about what it would mean if I didn't check all my boxes by 27. I also see this in so many of my clients. People telling me of having literal panic attacks and depressive episodes because they feel like so much of a failure for not meeting their set timelines. And every time I explore where these timelines come from, the same general answer of "I don't know, its just what I've always planned on" comes up.

A friend literally sent this to me on my birthday recently! haha Don't worry I didn't cry ;)

And notice that each timeline tends to include marriage. It includes the classic Disney "happily ever after" narrative. So, with this as a cultural backdrop in the US, you can see how being single past mid twenties or God forbid past 30, can cause so much anxiety, guilt and shame for some. Maybe you recognize this in yourself to some degree. Maybe you've had panic attacks about not accomplishing your boxes by a certain age. Maybe you just live with a low level feeling of failure. Maybe you look around you and see people with the things you planned, hoped and prayed for by that age.

Can I tell you something? Something you probably already know. Something you've probably heard from someone, saw in a video or read in an Instagram post.

Your timeline does not define you.

Other peoples' timelines for you also do not define you.

Your worth and value is not dependent on your accomplishments.

Again, wanting to meet certain goals or work toward certain things in life is not bad in and of itself. Desiring to be married is not a bad desire in and of itself. But when we attach these things to societal and cultural timelines you start limiting yourself and you start limiting God. God is not constrained to the rules of "MASH" ;) haha. Abraham and Sarah didn't have a child until into their 90s. Jesus's mother Mary was married and had Jesus by her mid teens. Jesus, who lived in a culture with built in age timelines, never married or had a family even though he was of that age. And given there were spiritual significances and cultural aspects to all of those, but the point still stands. These timelines are all over the map by any standard.

So today its a simple message. A simple encouragement. Maybe not easy to practice all the time, but it is truth that sets you free. Let your identity be rooted in what God thinks of you and not your accomplishments and timeline. Practice contentment and gratitude for all things at all times. Praise God for the things He gives you and also grieve and release, as necessary, the things that He does not give you. In your singleness, know that you are loved and cared for beyond measure. The timeline on that truth is eternal :).

I suggest listening to the song "Grace" by Joy Fuliga for those of you who tend to be hard on yourselves. It's been such a comfort to my soul and I hope it is for you too.